This is what I know.  Not much.

    I grew up in one of those families….white, middle class, ok, California, not mid-west.  We didn’t talk about race.  At all.  My parents were wonderful.  My father was a well-known doctor, not just for his skill, but for his ability to listen, really listen, to his patients.  (Reality check, when have you been really listened to by a doctor recently?  Not that all doctors are bad, but many don’t listen.)  My mother was a teacher.  She had her own tutoring business and I remember all too often her leaning into the car of a parent of a teenager giving them some sage advice about parenting.  She also started an amazing organization that put over 200 community members into our schools in the low socio economic part of town each week to read to kids.  No slackers.  Kind.  Generous.  And...no mention of race, ever.

    I attended University of California at Berkeley, Go Bears!!!  Suddenly, I became more aware of race.  Here’s the problem.  I didn’t know how to talk about race.  I cowered in my classes never wanting to say the wrong thing.  I made it through with a degree in Spanish and still didn’t talk about race.

    I worked as a teacher in the Roseland School District in northern California for 9 years, 4 of which I was a bilingual teacher in a dual immersion program, yes, blond-haired, blue eyed Susie was the Spanish model.  My students didn’t know I spoke English until one day Brittany heard me speaking after school and said with a gasp, “Susie you speak English!”  To which I replied, “See Brittany, if you try really hard, you will get to speak Spanish this way!”  (When is it ok to tell white lies?  Worthy of another post!  Wait, even that expression...hum.)  

    During this time, I was the only caucasian teacher on the immersion team.  At one conference, one of the hispanic teachers said, “Wow, you are the only blondie!” to which I said, very nervously, “wait, if that were turned around and I called you out for being the only hispanic, I’d be in trouble.”  To which she responded.  “Good, now you know how it feels.”  This interaction didn’t do much for starting to talk about race.  Once again, I didn’t speak about for a long time.

    I am being vulnerable now.  I didn’t really start thinking about race and biases until I taught at Bank Street College.  The first year I didn’t address it at all.  Do you know when you look back at your teaching career and you think, “Oh those poor students?”  This is one of those times.  I didn’t know how.  I am not saying that I know everything now...far from it!  Did you read the title?  But, I am now willing to touch on the subject, to be vulnerable in front of my class, alongside them.  

   During my second year teaching at Bank Street, a student came up and told me I might really like a video she saw.  This was during Ferguson and the riots.  Verna Myers How to Overcome our Biases  This video changed me.  Myers, who is black and works to eradicate biases spoke about her OWN biases.  We all have them and we need to constantly be checking ourselves.  

    Two other resources I am currently reading are Ta-Nehisi Coates’ book, Between the World and Me about a black journalist and his open letter to his teenage son.  Breathtaking and hard.  The other book I am reading to my high school student.  (I don’t want to be the parent who doesn’t talk about race.)  I am reading Whistling Vivaldi by Claude Steele to her.  It is sparking discussions about race and stereotypes, something I never had growing up.

   I am actually horrified.  Horrified that I didn’t talk about race until now; that I spent my childhood never knowing there was discrimination going on everywhere.  Having children forces you to discuss things that make you uncomfortable.  We now talk to our children about biases and discrimination.  I think it makes me uncomfortable because I can’t believe that I didn’t know for so long.  It pains me.  

    So I am left with “What do I know?”  Not much...but I am learning.  I am trying.  I know I will continue to find biases within myself, I know I will stumble.  But the best I can do is have a growth-mindset about what I don’t know and strive to grow and help my children grow and be more conscious about race, stereotypes and biases.